she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The beer is more important than you right now.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
