You smell like stripper and shame
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
