so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
