eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
