im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
