1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
