did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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