Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
