I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
