I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
