I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
