I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
