You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
