I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
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