Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
