when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
