On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
