there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
