so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
