Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
my being single is dangerous.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize