So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
