It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
zippers are such a cool invention
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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