life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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