"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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