She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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