Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Sober January is a disaster.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
