I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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