Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
