My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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