ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
