my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
