So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
be right there i have to get my cape
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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