I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
