I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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