the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
