he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
