yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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