dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
