whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this will be a night to untag.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
