There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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