I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
