Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
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Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
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Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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