You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
