Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
