I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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