After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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