she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
