When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
