Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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