It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
