At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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