Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
