Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
