how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
