I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
