His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It's never too late to be topless.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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