Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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