who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
