Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
