I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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